It’s wedding season! ‘Tis the time of the year when wedding invitations bloom from the mailbox like dandelions sprout in the yard.
Having just celebrated our 499th wedding anniversary, give or take a few centuries, I am often asked what the secret to a happy marriage is.
All couples thinking about marriage need to be concerned about the MARRIAGE and not the wedding. An inordinate amount of time, energy, planning, concern and entire industries revolve around planning what amounts to a 6-to-12 hour party at most.
Weddings are fleeting moments in time. Marriage is every day, in and out, forever and ever. If you’re fortunate, it’s a very long time. Some days are easy and some are not. Compromise is constant. Choices in finances, behavior, personal accountability, how many cats one should own and whether or not generic potato chips are acceptable will all crop up.
Short answer? Marry a saint. I mean it worked out for ME so I feel like it would also work for others. Anyone who knows me — or reads this column — will assure you that I am just a whole LOT.
As I tell Mr. Wonderful, when I arrived on our first date in the (front seat) of a police car, that was probably a sign that life would never be dull. Sure, I’m funny but humor can only take you so far when you’ve backed the new car into a brick wall or the water is rising rapidly in the folly of a house you insisted on purchasing. Then, that keeps happening for the next 20 years. Through it all, Mr. Wonderful just smiles.
Let
People say “oh my husband won’t let me.” Let me? I’ve said many times that I married a man who doesn’t know the word “no ‘’ when it comes to something I want. I could, as the saying goes, bring home a whole camel family and my husband would say, “well this is really inconvenient for me,” but he would get right to work building that camel fence.
The second bit of advice I suggest for having a happy marriage is to be — and marry — a happy person. It sounds simple but it works. Life can be hard. Life can also be a hoot. A real riot. Lots of laughs and so much joy.
Marry the person who revels in that, sees it, points it out, and when things are hard reminds you that this too will probably pass. Opposites can and do attract, but an endlessly miserable “glass half empty for life” type can be a real drag on a relationship.
Marry someone happy. Check. Marry someone agreeable. Check. Marry someone who you can respect even if you don’t always AGREE with them. This is huge. I married someone who respects my intelligence, as I respect his.
As simple as it sounds, be polite to your partner. Give your best self to your loved ones. Don’t save your best side and smile for strangers. Treat each other well. Mr. Wonderful and I hardly ever “fight.” This is not to say we always agree, but knowing the other person respects you no matter what is huge.
Consider including the vow “I promise to love you even on the days I don’t like you very much, and I promise to respect you even when I don’t agree with you.” Marry the one who hears you, sees you and validates your feelings.
Different
When it comes to the many ways families — in-laws — do things it is very important to remember that different is not wrong. Our vows should have said things like “I’m going to choose to find it charming that you seem to be afraid to open the dishwasher” and “I understand that you will drive on two teaspoons of gas for the entirety of our years.”
Seriously. I don’t think I’ve known Mr. Wonderful to have his truck on a full tank of gas in three decades, but for him, it works. We laugh about it.
Finally, I cannot stress enough how crucial it is to find someone who believes in you so much that on the days you don’t believe in yourself, they believe enough for both of you.
