The horse manure stuck to my boots, would dry and turn to dirt.
I always tracked into the house. A little dirt won’t hurt.
But my wife would vacuum daily til she found a better way.
That’s when I noticed Roomba floating ‘round the floors all day.
At first it was a novelty. Clarice would be her name.
Clarice would vacuum all day long. She weren’t a lazy dame.
I had to give her credit. She could vacuum in the dark.
I don’t believe I ever saw her in her stall and parked.
It didn’t take her any time to learn her job so well.
But little did I know she’d make my life a living #$&&.
I’d be standing at the counter with bologna and some bread.
And before I spread the mayonnaise she’d bump me with her head.
Her timing was uncanny. She would meet me at the door.
And I swear I heard her say, “Don’t track that dirt here on my floor.”
Last Thursday night my dog and I were watching Prime TV.
When I spilled the popcorn. Soon Clarice was zooming straight for me.
But then she eyed my Daisy, and she put her on the run.
I vowed next time she scared my dog I’d up and grab my gun.
The final straw was one dark night while sitting on the throne.
Clarice strolled up and bumped my leg, should have left alone.
So I plotted in my mind about Clarice’s soon demise,
and wondered could I be there when a vacuum cleaner dies?
My chance came soon enough. ‘Twas time to make her go kaput.
I topped the stairs then kicked her with the heel of my left foot.
Not sure how many bounces made before she hit the floor.
I gathered up the evidence and tossed her out the door.
I rehearsed the so-called accident. Her mishap down the stairs.
My wife might need convincing from a guy who really cares.
And then I started wondering about her worth and what I’d spent.
I guessed a twenty dollar bill before her accident.
I’ve always checked my bank account right before I go to bed.
The numbers will be fresh and they will stay there in my head.
But I won’t forget that night. The numbers in the darkest blue.
My wife had bought another Roomba, priced eight hundred and forty-two.
