The Olympics are dominating the news. This is very exciting. I enjoy seeing the humans that are in peak physical form winning awards as they compete on behalf of their respective countries. The Olympics are, by design, being dominated by youthful, fit, and supremely athletic people. This is all well and good but does this ACTUALLY represent the competing nations as a whole?
As of 2022 the average American age was 39 years old. China’s average age is 37.5 years. Russia is 40.7 years old. Obviously, we need a middle-aged Olympics where being able to fall asleep and stay asleep through the night automatically guarantees you a place on the podium. You win bronze even if you get up to go to the bathroom once. You score a silver medal if you don’t have to go to the bathroom but you do wake yourself up because you might have heard a noise and then you check your phone and start watching silly videos. Gold medals are reserved for falling asleep and remaining asleep all night long. There is always a risk that those medals will go unclaimed because I literally don’t know anyone my age that does that.
Weight
If gaining weight without even trying is an event, I’m absolutely going to dominate that category. I didn’t have a weight problem for years. I ate what I wanted. I didn’t do much and yet my jeans always fit. I suffer high self-esteem so I thought it would always be so. I was wrong. Suddenly, a few years ago all that changed. It feels like it happened overnight but I suspect it happened 5 pounds at a time for about 10 years OK more like 12 to 15 don’t call me out.
Back to sleep — a good event would be the “I slept wrong and I’m now crippled for the next 3 to 5 days” trial. That would definitely be an event I would pay to see. I go to bed perfectly comfy. We’ve invested in mattresses, pillows, blankets, and duvets — everything we need for peaceful slumber. Nonetheless, like the Princess and the Pea, it’s never enough. I wake up with a stiff neck or a sore hip or a random pinky toe that just hurts. Why is this? Since I don’t do anything remotely athletic enough to have injured myself I have to fall back on “I slept on it wrong.” Frankly that’s humiliating.
The wildcard event in the “Average Olympics” will be a historically challenging event known as telephone etiquette. As an example, I still say my telephone number at least twice when I leave a message. This is because I am from the 1900s and that is how it was done before caller ID showed the income caller’s telephone number. I suspect the fact that I leave a voicemail at all is aging me right out of any medal ceremony. I seem to be surrounded by an entire nation that rather than listening to a voicemail or, in absence of one, just forgetting all about it, will see a missed call and feel driven to call it and bark “someone from this number called me!” in a downright accusatory tone.
Finally, the real challenge with any of us attending the Average Olympics will be getting us all there — and on time! Is remembering things an event? Because it is here. If Mr. Wonderful and I managed to be where we’re supposed to be, and do what we’re supposed to do, it’s a win. We hold each other accountable, we set a lot of alarms, we do a lot of “I’m sure I told you!” “I definitely told you!” All while the other one insists that we did not tell them.
Honestly, there are a host of reasons why they haven’t scheduled the Olympics for our age group and demographic yet. Perhaps they tried but we are all too busy at work, bird watching, and tending our gardens? Not to mention it’s hard to make the games when we all want to be in bed by 9 p.m.
