I am a sucker for punishment. Lately I have been spending a LOT of time in home improvement stores. When I visit a DIY hangar/warehouse I am unabashedly ageist. I am admittedly 100% on the prowl for a store associate of a certain era.
My ideal home repair store associate would ideally have rough hands. He knows his way around a saw having learned the hard way. He might even be missing the tip of a finger or two. They know plumbing inside and out. They probably have strong opinions about french drains. They definitely own their own tool belts. This person probably wears bifocals and will peer over them while pondering, wisely, what I’m telling them about my project.
I don’t even need an official. I’m perfectly fine with a retired guy who doesn’t even work there strolling around trying to find someone who needs help just so he has someone to talk to. It’s best if they were born in the 1940s, 1950s at the latest. Basically, I want someone’s Papaw to assist me.
Help
I am finding it increasingly difficult to find that type of help. Somewhere between lumber in aisle 2 and gutters in aisle 876, I have realized that the average age of their employees appears to be 14 years old. That is great. I love to see child labor. Keep ‘em off the streets, am I right?
The problem is that most of these fine folks have never actually built anything beyond a Lego creation or Sims online world in their lives. I know that young people have many talents but suffice to say that most of these skills do not include knowing how to build a stringer from scratch. Nor does it include sharing a strong opinion of what type of mortar mix would work best for anchoring posts. No. I find myself standing in aisle 376 while the associate, who probably needs a work permit signed by a parent or guardian to even be on the clock, is looking up “molly bolts” on Google or TikTok — I’m unsure.
When we do finally make a purchase, making our escape is still not guaranteed. Recently, it took over an HOUR for us to leave a home warehouse after paying for our purchases. I was stuck there because “Safety Seabolt” (aka Mr. Wonderful) was busy giving forklift operation lessons to a roughly 13-year-old employee. The poor kid was completely at a loss on how to wrap and band a load, let alone how to fork, lift and drop it onto a trailer. Mr. Wonderful walked them carefully through each step. Quite admirably, he didn’t cringe or curse when they dropped the entire load of lumber with a loud thud onto the trailer.
I married a man who changes his own tires — and oil. He builds things. He fixes things. This man can make do, patch it up and get ‘er done like nobody’s business. It simply never occurs to our children — or anyone who knows him really — that he can’t create or repair pretty much anything. Our friends and neighbors are all generally rural and farm folk who are really capable as well, so I had no idea this wasn’t universally true. Frankly, I take it for granted. Then I find myself at the hardware or home store alone and I realize he is not necessarily “the norm” anymore.
I’m not poking fun at the young workers. One cannot know what they are not TAUGHT. This is why we need those older folks to run some training seminars! We need the older generations to teach the young. These whippersnappers need to know how to strap on a toolbelt and give good advice in plumbing and hardware. No one can really help in lumber. It’s all just bent wood and twisted sticks over there.
I want those teenage employees to stay right where they are and thrive. We need legions of skilled workers to come out of retirement, so they can soak up that wisdom like a sponge. We are going to need them to run our home improvement stores someday, and I surely do not know where to find the molly bolts and mortar myself.
